TOP 5 RUSSIAN CASINOS

I've been planning on making a good will tour of Upper Siberia for years now but just never quite got around to doing it. Too many other important tasks occupied my attention though I'm at a loss to name a single one of them at the moment.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that there are a number of outstanding casinos in Russia, and any serious gambler definitely needs to make a pilgrimage to that proud land at some point. Do as I say, not as I do. Please don't make the mistake of procrastinating another minute. Pick up the phone right now, call your travel agent and book a trip on the first outbound flight to the mighty Mother Bear, even if you have to ride in the cargo hold of a Peace Corps delivery plane. Yes, it's that urgent.

Anyhoo, when you get there I advise not making any jokes about the Russian Mafia, Lenin, hemophilia, the KGB or batches of stolen plutonium. Instead, check out some of these top-shelf casinos. And please, don't tell 'em Floyd sent you. I'd explain this request further but then I'd have to kill you or, failing that, myself.

1. Carnival Casino is located in Moscow. Russians have a different idea of carnivals than Americans. There's a lot more full frontal nudity, for one thing. But this 7,530-square foot casino features 200 slots and eight table games, so check ut out.

2. Vegas Casino and Sports Bar is in St. Petersburg. Step in here and you'll think you've been teleported directly to the good ol' L.V. Strip. Well, not really, but the casino features 160 slots and 19 table games. The property has one restaurant and one bar.

3. Casino Eldorado is in Vladivostok. Friendly place, just don't smile at anyone. The casino features 100 slots and a grand total of five table games. What do you expect, it's freakin' Vladivostok.

4. Casino Split is in Tver. With a name like this, how can you go wrong? Don't ever ask that question out loud in Tver, by the way. The casino features eight slots and nine table games. The property has one restaurant and one bar.

5. Casino Etual is in Blagoveshensk. Can't say enough good things about this place. Seriously. Well, the property has one restaurant. That's something.